I Thought I Was Over That

When Old Hurts Come Back

A few days ago, I found myself unexpectedly revisiting some hurts from a past ministry.

I’ve had several ministries since then, with hurts and happiness in each one, just like the one I was remembering.

In almost 40 years of pastoral ministry, I’ve experienced a lot of ups and downs. Some have been like a bungee jump, others more like a roller-coaster ride.

But the good times have FAR outweighed the painful ones.

There are plenty of things I would do differently if I had it to do all over again, but I can’t imagine doing anything else with my life. I thank God that He has allowed me to serve Him this way for all these years.

He alone gets whatever glory has come from it!

When Old Hurts Resurface

What I found interesting was that my mind went back to the hurts from this particular ministry.

Over the years, I’ve tried to choose to remember the good from every place I’ve served and let go of the painful. Most of the time, I think I’ve done a pretty good job of that.

But every now and then, something brings an old hurt back to the surface.

Forgiveness is something all of us struggle with at times. Unforgiveness is part of our fallen nature. Holding on to a hurt comes much more naturally than letting it go.

As I thought back through some of those old hurts, the Lord reminded me of some wonderful truths about grace.

Maybe they’ll help you if you struggle with forgiveness too.

A Few Things I’ve Learned About Forgiveness

1. We can forgive because we have been forgiven.

No one has offended us as much as we have offended God, yet He chose to forgive us.

When we struggle to forgive someone, it does us good to remember our own fallenness. After all, we’ve had our share of being the offending party too.

It’s a lot harder to hold tightly to someone else’s sin when I’m reminded of how gracious God has been with mine.

2. Forgiveness is a choice we make, not an emotion we feel.

Sometimes we confuse those two things.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean ignoring the hurt or pretending it didn’t happen. It means I choose to move on from the hurt rather than continuing to dwell on it.

That doesn’t mean all the feelings immediately go away. Sometimes they don’t.

But I can choose to forgive even while asking God to help me with the emotions that remain.

3. There really is no such thing as “forgive and forget.”

We say it a lot, but that’s not really how our minds work.

God says, “I will remember their sins no more” (Hebrews 8:12). He no longer holds our sins against us.

We may still remember what someone did to us. In fact, there are some things we probably couldn’t forget if we tried.

But when those past hurts come to mind, we can use them as an opportunity to remember the great work of God’s grace in our own lives.

No hurt another person has inflicted on me can compare with the love and grace I have received from God.

4. The ability to forgive is a work of the Holy Spirit in us.

Forgiveness is not our default.

But as the fruit of the Spirit begins to ripen in our lives (Galatians 5:22–23), He enables us to do what doesn’t come naturally.

He enables us to forgive.

So What Do We Do With the Hurt?

Here’s my encouragement to those of us who struggle to forgive a past hurt.

First, don’t try to ignore it. Own it.

Name it. Call it what it is. Admit that it hurt, and bring it before the Father.

There’s no need to pretend with Him anyway. He already knows.

Second, thank Him that your hurt does not define you.

You are who HE says you are.

What happened to you may be part of your story, but it isn’t your identity. His grace is sufficient.

Third, ask the Holy Spirit to help you see your offender differently.

Ask Him to help you recognize that the person who hurt you is every bit as fallen as you are.

Then ask Him to bear His fruit in you in the middle of that hurt.

That doesn’t excuse what happened. It simply keeps what happened from having the final word.

Maybe Forgiveness Looks Like This

I think that may be part of what the Lord was reminding me of when those old memories came back.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean I never remember the hurt.

Maybe it means that when I do remember it, I also remember grace.

I remember how much I have been forgiven. I remember who I am in Christ. And I remember that the same Holy Spirit who has been at work in me all these years is still at work in me today.

Even with some old hurts.

More to Come?

There’s a lot more I could write about this, and maybe I’ll come back with a Part 2.

Let me know if that’s something y’all would be interested in.