Overcoming the "If Only" Syndrome
Let your past propel you to a positive present and future
Do you know anyone that suffers from the “if only” syndrome? To be transparent, every morning I stare in the mirror at a man who suffers from it from time to time.
I find myself occasionally regretting decisions I made and actions I took in the distant past. Then comes the “if only…”. For instance, “If only I had (made different decision) then maybe (seemingly better outcome) would have happened.” Or maybe it takes this form: “I might not be (random current unpleasant circumstance) if only I had (different decision or outcome).”
All of us do this at times in our lives, and I a certain amount is inevitable and even normal. But what we need to avoid is dwelling on the “if only” and allowing our thoughts to spiral downward. Can I get a witness? Ever been there?
Looking Back Is Not Bad
Looking back is not intrinsically bad. In fact, the Bible encourages us to consider our past days and dealings with God. Here is just a sampling:
Deuteronomy 7:18, 8:2 — Israelites were told to remember God had brought them out of Egypt and led them through the wilderness.
Psalm 77:11 — Remember the deeds and wonders of God in the past.
Lamentations 3:21-23 — Remember God’s track record of faithfulness.
And it does us well to reflect on our mistakes so that we can learn from them. If we do not learn from our mistakes, we are doomed to repeat them.
We often fall into some traps, however, when we reflect too much on our past. First, we long for the “good old days.” I have found my memory is selective. In cases, I only remember the bad and fail to acknowledge the blessing. Then in other cases, I remember only the good times and fail to remember the accompanying challenges. I hard a lot of people long for times past.
In Ecclesiastes 7:10, Solomon wrote, “Say not, ‘Why were the former days better than these?’ For it is not from wisdom that you ask this.”
Second, our obsession with our past can also lead to complacency. When we remember the things we’ve done, we may come to the conclusion we have done enough. “I’ve done my time, now it’s someone else’s turn.” I’ve heard that more than I care to remember. (Ironic smile inserted here)
Another problem arises when our reflection paralyzes our present and threatens our future. If we dwell too much on our “if only” moments, we may falsely come to the conclusion that we are stuck and have no hope of ever getting unstuck. That kind of reflection leads to resignation and despair rather than faith and hope.
Looking Ahead While Glancing Back
Don’t forget in a car, the windshield is way bigger than the rear view mirror. The rear view mirror is important — even more so if you are going backwards. (Let the reader understand.) But if you drive while staring at the rear view mirror you will soon crash.
So here are some helpful and hopefully encouraging considerations to help you move forward in faith.
1. View your past as a schoolroom instead of a prison. When you reflect on your past, consider both the blessings and the challenges. When you feel you made a bad decision or took a regrettable action, ask yourself why. Allow past circumstances to enhance your capacity for present self-awareness. Be sensitive to similar situations and be prepared to respond differently than in the past.
2. Realize that failure is a setback not a life sentence. Thomas Edison once said, “I have never failed. I have only learned 10,000 ways that didn’t work.” God can transform every one of our past failures into a current and/or future victory. How many people in the Bible can you recall that God rescued from a shady past or a great failure. Moses? Murderer. Rahab? Prostitute. Ruth? Young, widowed foreigner in a strange land. Peter? Denied Jesus 3 times. Paul? A religious terrorist who executed people for following Jesus. I am more that confident God can use your setback or failure for His glory.
3. Be honest about the “good old days.” Every season of life has both blessing and challenge. Interestingly in his list of times and seasons in Ecclesiastes 3, Solomon couples positive and negative circumstances. Birth and death. Plant and pluck up. Kill and heal. Cry and laugh. Mourn and dance. Be thankful for the good in the good old days but also be thankful for the regrettable in your past. It is through those “regrettables” that you grow. You would be less than you are now without them.
4. Always anticipate great glory from God. So many times in Scripture when it seemed all hope was lost, God came through. In His first miracle, Jesus turned water into such good wine, the experts said it was the best they had ever had. With Jesus, the best is ALWAYS yet to come. Think about. If you are a Jesus-follower, heaven is your eternal destiny. Doesn’t get any better than that. But we don’t have to wait until then. We have the promise of God’s Word. We can believe Him and trust Him. Live faithfully and trust God.
Romans 8:28, 31, 32:
28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?
Read it. Believe it. Live it!
Experience only makes us stronger. We love the quote, “Hindsight is always 20/20.”, but we cannot dwell on it.